The Apocalypse Hits There First

Jersey: FUCK. Canada is two hours ahead of us. They already know the future. This isn't good... You wonder why Japan is so technologically advanced. They're one fucking day ahead of us. They know what they did yesterday before we do.

Fruity!

Rachel: Have I ever told you of my ambitions to work for Planned Parenthood?
Me: I think you might have briefly mentioned it once.
Rachel: It's not really an ambition...
Me: ...
Rachel: ....I just want to put condoms on bananas.

But I Can See Russia From My House

Rachel: Stupidity isn't geographic.

An Easy Mistake

(watching a movie)

Dad: (sigh) You're thinkin' with the wrong head there, boy!

¿Cómo se dice 'Justice League'?

(working on a worksheet in Spanish class)

Nick: Is this asking who I was as a child?
Me: ...it says 'what were you like?'
Nick: I would prefer that it asked who I was as a child.
Me: Who were you as a child?
Nick: Wonder Woman.

Well, I Feel Ready For The AP Exam

Ms. Chasey: The pituitary gland can say HEY! Let's grow some facial hair 0r HEY! Let's ovulate! Whatever it feels like that day.

A Revelation!

Jor: Can you clone one person from like, two people?
Andrew: Oh yeah, that's uh... it's called... oh yeah, SEX.

Manson Family Reunions

Dad: Well, if your aunt wants to bury the hatchet and not in my head...

Beep Brrr Boop Translates To Shaken Or Stirred

Me: So R2D2 is a minifridge?
Horaţiu: Yeah. You know that thing he did with the lightsaber? Okay. that was intended for beer cans.
Andrew: Beer me, Artoo!

You're Hurting Good Charlotte's Feelings

Dad: Really, what is 'alternative' music? Is it the alternative to GOOD music?

Alligator Tastes Like Chicken

Cousin: What do pig's tails taste like? Are they... are they like curly fries?

What Steve Didn't Know

Cousin: It's the sting part. Sting. STING. It's not called a FRIENDLY RAY.

Except That Nobody Would Ride That

Maddy: You know how people say that they have like... love handles, right?
Me: Yeah...
Maddy: Which is another way of saying their hips are really fat?
Me: Sure.
Maddy: Well she doesn't just have handles. She has the whole damn bicycle.

The Scrapbooking Store, On The Other Hand

Sarah: What? That's like walking into a Hallmark and asking them, 'Hey. Do you butcher meat back there?' 'Uh, no. Never have, never will.' 'Oh, okay. Just checking.'

But Jesus Was A Zombie

Cousin: Anne Rice wrote about Jesus?
Cousin's friend: Is it racy?

She Does Tend To Have Memory Paging Issues

Kirsten: Woah. There's so much going on! This computer works almost as fast as my mind!

I Also Poop Pixels

Me: Is that even how that chord is supposed to sound?
Nick: You know what? You remind me of a Tamagotchi.
Me: ...What?
Nick: GET BACK TO YOUR GUITAR.

May I Offer You A Swiss Cake Roll?

Joey: What's that guy's name? Frank?
Matt: William.
Joey: Oh. He looks like a Frank. ... What's that girl's name? Susan?
Matt: ...Jessica...
Joey: Oh. She looks like a Susan.
Me: Well, what do I look like?
Joey: ...
Me: ...Well?
Joey: You look like........ a Debbie.

Tuesday Was Always Living In Monday's Shadow

Sister: So it's gonna be Monday, right?
Me: ...
Sister: No, wait! The other Monday!
Me: ...
Sister: TUESDAY!!

He'll Just Return The Favor

Nick: And so I let the dog sleep with me, but it peed in the bed next to me. But he didn't pee on me, so it's ok. We can still be friends as long as he doesn't pee on me. Pee next to me, that's ok. On me is a whole different story.
Me: So that's the only criteria you have for friends?
Nick: That's right, I'm not very picky. As long as you don't urinate on me, we can be friends.

You And Me, We Add Up Better Than A Riemann Sum

Sarah: I'm feeling the downside to being in a love triangle. I wish I was in a love segment.

She Wasn't Worth It, I'll Have You Know

Jordan: I feel like I'm giving you my daughter. 'That'll be three oxen, now pull up to the next window.'

Aight Joe, I Finna Be Joe Tour Guide, Naw Mean?

Kendall: It's a dream come true, really, so I owe you big time. Okay, I know! I'll take you gangbangin' with me weekend after next. That'll be fun, but be sure to bring some shopping money. It's one of those field trips, like souvenirs are... your very own genuine shank!

It's A Lovely Property On Elm Street

Mum: Open a Word document, I need to make a list of things I need for redoing this room.
Me: Okay, shoot.
Mum: Okay, put number one, switchblade--
Me: --WHAT?
Mum: --WAIT, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT, STOP, OH NO--
Me: ...Freudian slip or what, mother?
Mum: Cover. Switch cover.
Me: Uh huh.

Dr. Quinn Would Be So Proud

Paul: But luckily we learned of the civil war in summer school, which means I know civil war medicine. AKA, a saw.

Unfortunately, Puns Are Not An Accepted Form Of ID

Joe: You'll be getting carded until you're 40, that's the card hold truth. I mean hard cold, although it will be the card hold truth, because you'll be holding a card. HA!

LF3M Dungeon of Ribbing

Dad: You know what I want to see?
Me: No idea.
Dad: I want to see the game where grannies are attacking people with knitting needles and tying them up with skeins of yarn.
Me: What?
Dad: Yanno, War of Craftworld? When's that coming out? You guys should make that.
Me: I... we'll get right on th--
Dad: --I can see it now, creatures with googly eyes. INFINITE POSSIBILITIES.

We've Got Quite The Marketing Genius Among Us

Adam: They should do that, sell instant complex carbohydrates. Like pasta in a can.
Me: What? Don't they... okay.
Adam: You'd just crack it open and drink your carbs.
Me: ...Liquid pasta?
Adam: It's a great idea.

It Really Is A Hassle, You Know

Sign I saw at the entrance to a Tennessee aquarium: Due to the tragic events of September 11th, guns will no longer be permitted inside the aquarium. Sorry for the inconvenience.